


Lifetime of Tension

by Barba



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 08:11:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9170161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Barba/pseuds/Barba
Summary: "I'd like to read some Barba related angst! Make me cry please!"





	

Barba had been mentally kicking himself ever since he gave Felipe Heredio his home address. Each night after he made it home he would double, no, triple checked his locks to make sure he didn’t forget to lock himself in.

The uncertainty is what kept him anxious. In the courtroom, he was used to being prepared. A lawyer never asks a question he doesn’t already know the answer to. On the rare occasion a witness did surprise him, he chewed out the detectives of SVU for the ambush.

When he was a child, he was always on edge; he never knew when his father would come home in one of his moods and take his frustrations out on Rafael. Or would it be his mother? Rafael didn’t know which one it would be every night. That restlessness made his body unwillingly tense up as he made his way home every evening, in anticipation of what his father would do that night.

The tension between his shoulder blades felt like it had been there his whole life, almost like he had been born with it. A lifetime of having to defend himself at a moment’s notice had taken its toll on Rafael, engraining itself in both his mind and his body, settling deep in Rafael so that it became his permanent, normal state of being.

No, Rafael Barba did not like surprises, and always did his best to keep that unpleasantness out of his life.

Just like Rafael was used to the dread of uncertainty, he was also used to dealing with it alone. He never voiced it to his mother, but they both knew he resented her for not being strong enough to get his father out of their lives. As a child, Rafael was left on his own to bear the brunt of his father’s anger. Could his mother have done anything? Would it have caused them both even more harm if she tried? Either way, it’s not like anything can be changed now.

So, it was only natural that when he started receiving death threats, he kept them to himself, just as he was used to keeping his problems to himself for close to forty years, never having formed close enough relations to be able to share his worries with another person. He kept the letters and phone calls a secret, as the strain in his back got worse, and the throbbing in his temples seemed to intensify with each passing day. Popping Ibuprofen became a daily norm for Rafael, something he took every morning with his first cup of coffee.

* * *

“Objection. Relevance?”

“I am establishing the defense witness’s credibility, your Honor.”

“Sustained. I’ve already ruled she is credible in chambers. Move along, Mr. Barba.”

“When you saw the suspect that night…I mean the defendant…did you…”

Rafael’s sentence was cut short as the pain in his abdomen overwhelmed his senses. He clutched his stomach with one hand, using the other to steady himself on his table. In his peripheral vision, he saw Sonny jump out of his seat, where was he sat as second chair, and rush over to him. People were talking, he thought he heard Carisi mention ‘recess’. He couldn’t focus on anything that was being said. The had pain so unbearable, that Barba couldn’t care less about keeping his posture in court. He could feel his legs about to fail him, he no longer had the strength to keep fighting the pain,he gave in to blissful unconsciousness.

* * *

When he woke, he found himself in a hospital bed. His head was still pounding, and his insides felt like they had acid running through his veins. Had living off coffee finally caught up to him? He knew he wasn’t in his twenties anymore, and he’d been meaning to change his habits to become healthier, but there just never seemed to be time.

Rafael spent the next few hours having blood drawn from him for tests and receiving fluids. By the end of the day he had his answer: arsenic poisoning. By the amount of it in his body, the doctors determined that he must have ingested it in small doses over a period time; doses high enough to wear down his body, but not enough to have an immediate effect. His doctor told him Rafael should have been experiencing symptoms for some time now: nausea, headaches, loss of appetite, disorientation. Due to his lifestyle, Rafael had been experienced them for years, so he wasn’t surprised when they intensified, he just assumed it was due to the increased stress of the death threats.

The finding of the cause of his sickness resulted in more poking and prodding. Since he was feeling ill enough to lose consciousness in court, his doctors were concerned  about the current state of his organs. His diagnosis had already put off long enough by his workaholic lifestyle and general avoidance healthcare professionals.

The squad had quickly ransacked Barba’s apartment and office, in hopes of finding the source of the arsenic. Many of Rafael’s belongings ended up in the crime lab, waiting to be tested for traces of the poison. Eventually, it was found in his coffee pot; someone had been slipping it into Rafael’s daily morning coffee, probably for weeks.

* * *

Rafael tried to concentrate on the doctor’s explanation, but by their choice of words, he knew his was a lost cause. As he made an effort to refocus, he started to make sense of what he had learnt.

The arsenic he had ingested resulted in hemolysis; the red blood cells in his body were starting to break up and not circulating, hindering oxygen from circulating to his organs. His organs were on the verge of starting to shut down, starting with his kidneys. The icing on the cake was the fact that Barba’s daily dose of ibuprofen, the medical treatment he accepted, had actually exacerbated the demise of his kidneys. Rafael was told that a panel of doctors had to decide whether he was a good candidate for a transplant, but by the hesitancy of the doctor’s words, Rafael gathered that he was unlikely to receive a spot on the transplant list; his body was too far gone, not worth the investment. Ironic, it seems. That’s how he felt his whole life, like he was never good enough. For his father, for Yelina. He had no real friends that would grieve for him. Had his job been worth it? It was his only accomplishment in life. Even though his cases kept him up at night, he hoped that at the cost of his sleep, the survivors would have better nights.

* * *

When Rafael woke up again, Olivia was at his bedside. She explained what the squad had discovered.

A couple of days ago, as Rafael slept, Carmen had stopped by the hospital to bring him some personal items. It was then that she had seen Paula Martin standing outside Rafael’s room, looking in. Carmen remembered the wife of the retired football player, whom Barba prosecuted over a year ago. As Paula had not been satisfied with the outcome of her husband’s case,  Carmen could not think of a good reason as to why Paula would be visiting Rafael in the hospital. She had called Olivia to inform her of this, which turned out to be the first tip that had put the squad on the right track.

Looking into Paula’s recent activity, the squad discovered that Paula hadn’t been doing very well after A.J. was sent to prison. She had trouble gaining access to his money, and since she did not work, she had no source of income. Even though A.J. had been released half a year ago, but Paula’s life did not get any better. Her husband filed for a divorce, taking with him the majority of their assets.

With the help of O’Dwyer, SVU obtained a warrant to search Paula’s home, where they found arsenic; their lab proved it had the same chemical formula as the arsenic put in Barba’s coffee. O’Dwyer was not convinced the case was a slam dunk, as arsenic is sold over the counter and the brand used to poison Barba was a common one. They also had yet to connect Paula to Barba’s office. How would she have gotten the poison into his coffee? Did she come by unnoticed or hire someone? He told Olivia they would need to gather more evidence before he filed charges against Paula. Olivia reassured Barba that they were working around the clock to build a solid case, with O’Dwyer hounding them every step.

That revelation stunned Rafael. He knew he had the reputation for being an ass, but he always tried to do the right thing for the victims that the squad brought to him. He never imagined that his interference would cause them more harm.

He always told himself that it was okay that he didn’t have a personal life, he spent his time making sure others got the justice they deserved. But if that’s not the case, if he caused someone even more pain than when they met him…then what had been the point?

* * *

As Rafael lay in the hospital bed, the only comforting thought on his mind was that his abuelita was not there to witness his slow demise. She raised Rafael when his mother was at work, his father disappeared for days (which was better than when he was around), fussed over him when he scraped his knee and checked that he finished his homework every evening. He wouldn’t have wanted her to know that he died before he had a chance to grow old, to start a family.

A family… as Rafael grew older, he knew his chances of starting a family and having children became slimmer, but he couldn’t dismiss the idea entirely. The thought of being alone in his old age was too depressing, and whenever it crossed his mind, he would bury himself in work so his fear wouldn’t take over. He chuckled. Now he didn’t have to worry about growing old alone, he wouldn’t even make it to next week.

In the end, the New York City Court became his life. He knew what every room of the courthouse at 60 Centre Street looked like; he enjoyed the beauty of the marble columns he passed every day, his seat behind the prosecutor’s table in the courtroom. Something he knew he would never see again. He was too weak to get up out of his bed, and he knew that he wouldn’t be getting any better.

He knew there were risks to his job, but he always imagined that if someone came after him, it would most likely be with a gun or a knife. But it’s no surprise Paula selected poison for him; it was the more feminine choice. In the end, all he was left with was a morphine drip and regrets of winding up alone.


End file.
